Security breaches? What security breaches? Oh, those security breaches.

The Tool of the Day, you may have guessed, is Federal Transport Minister, Jean Lapierre.

Something around a thousand pieces of airport security guard uniform are missing, including badges. (Various media sources are quoting 1,127 pieces of uniform, including 91 badges and 639 name tags.) Yes, I agree, it is shocking. But Minister Lapierre will have us believe that it’s all innocent with simple explanations and, after all, there’s no danger that any of the missing paraphernalia will be used by those with evil intentions.

Things get lost on the subway, the bus, in the dryer, in the bottom of your locker. People transfer, quit, are fired and don’t bother to turn in anything when they go. Occasionally, things get stolen. Some items wind up on E-bay for sale to the highest bidder. The rest? Who knows?

Things do get lost or thrown away by mistake. It happens. A certain amount of property damage, destruction, or depreciation is accounted for in just about every budget or planning process. These are innocent, if still a bit worrying in the back of the collective consciousness.

I don’t blame any former employees for not returning their extra bits. After all, they aren’t paid that much more than the working poor holding down frontline retail jobs. Returning their crummy, uncomfortable uniforms is an added expense that most of them probably just can’t afford, so they get kept, thrown out, or auctioned off on E-bay.

And should we talk about how it doesn’t make sense for these security personnel to be Federal employees, so that there’s a single set of standards across the country? Somehow, and this is something that I’m not at all clear on, it’s far more efficient and cost effective, not to mention safer, to contract out these positions to the lowest bidder at the individual airport level. Could you explain this one again, Jean?

Oh, and most screeners only get random checks when they enter restricted areas, but now they’re getting random checks during their shifts, too. This is security?

But after all of his reassuring comments and promises to focus more on airport security, I feel so much safer. I think I'll fly somewhere this weekend. Wait... no, it's too late, I’d have to get to the airport right about now so I can stand in line to pick up my ticket, to clear customs, to be quizzed by immigration, and to have my luggage irradiated by an underpaid wage slave who just may not be what they seem to be...

But hey, it’s okay. A uniform, even one with a badge, doesn’t give you access to places you’re not supposed to go – it’s this easily-forged photo-ID that opens doors. (Oooooh. Aaaaah.) And I’m certain that all of those former employees who aren’t returning their assorted uniform bits are remembering to hand in their passes…

Jean, mon ami, just because you share the same first name as a former PM doesn’t mean that people are going to swallow anything you care to stick in their mouths.

You Tool.