Must I Remind You that Celebrities are Above the Law?

Stepping away from politics for today...

On 08 March 2004, in the dying moments of a hockey game, Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi jumped Steve Moore of the Colorado Avalanche from behind and beat him to a pulp. Resulting injuries: severe concussion, broken vertebrae.

Today, he was allowed to plead guilty to some minor form of assault that let him off with community service, probation and no criminal record. Outside of a professional sports arena, a teenager would have gotten worse under the young offenders act. An adult would almost certainly have received a prison sentence, a psych evaluation, and a big black mark of a criminal record.

The plea bargain came as a shock to Moore and his attorney – they found out about it by watching television. Yes, there’s no legal requirement for the Crown to have informed them, but common courtesy should have suggested it would be a good idea. From the same report, they found out that the court date had been moved up. Moore’s victim impact statement, while basically ready, wasn’t completely prepared yet. A short delay to allow him to travel to the BC court in order to deliver the statement in person was denied. A simple reading of it would be adequate, the judge felt, again following the letter of the law.

You might by now have guessed that our Tool today is His Worship, Judge Herb Weitzel, the judge who heard, if that's the right word, the Bertuzzi case.

Do you think that Judge Tool is a Canucks fan?

No, really. I'm a good boy now.

Paul Martin spent the weekend in a fireside chat with Muammar Gadhafi before flying back to Labrador for a political funeral. (A couple of quick links to stories here and here.) The two leaders supposedly discussed trade (oil), peace in Africa (obviously not resulting from actions by Libya), human rights issues (snicker), and how Gadhafi Duck is now a really, really nice guy since he gave up terrorism, abusing his citizens, and weapons of mass destruction.

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

As we all now, it's all about oil. Black Gold. Texas Tea. As a goop-producing member of OPEC, Libya enjoys certain level of privelege that allows other nations to overlook its various indiscretions in the fields of human rights, international relations, and general politeness. Now that Ghadafi has promised to play nice in the sandbox, should we be surprise that Martini felt the need to join the long list of free world leaders flying in their government jets with various and assorted hangers-on to visit the rehabilitated Duckster? What we should be surprised about is that it took him so long to work out that Libya has oil that it will sell to greedy western companies who will be nice to it. Or maybe Duckie is a little less full of himself than than Ralph Klein. If we can get our oil from somewhere else, we can tell Ralphie to shove his oil revenues where they've been disappearing for the last decade anyway.

After the funeral today, Paulie is heading back to Morocco on the government plane for a two-week vacation with his wife and a half dozen other Martinis. He's offered to pay $2,000 for the flight, but not the $33,000 it will supposedly cost to keep the plane on standby while he's lounging about. I have this feeling that Fearless Leader may be a frequent guest to these pages.

What a Tool.

In my day, I was the most popular Prime Minister ever.

Yes, if you go by the number of seats your party won the first time you were elected to the position. The second time the majority wasn’t quite so impressive, though, was it. And for some unknown reason you decided to retire before the next election, leaving it to someone else to Captain the ship as it sank.

Yes, for any who are still wondering, today’s Tool is none other than the most reviled person in modern political history, Brian Mulroney. I have a hard time even thinking of attaching the “Right Honourable” title in front of his name that current and former Prime Ministers are apparently entitled to. Honourable isn’t one of the adjectives that comes to mind when I think about old Lyin’ Brian.

But why is he today’s Tool when he only makes the occasional public appearance to endorse a Reform/Alliance/Conservative candidate of some sort? Well, that might be reason enough on some days, but Irish Eyes is back in the front of my mind after appearing briefly in a documentary on Frank magazine that aired on the Documentary Channel last night. Ultimately, he comes back to the front of my mind for one very specific reason. Yes, there are many reason to hate the Great White Chin. Disregarding numerous scandals, the big ones that immediately leap from my fingertips into the keyboard are the ridiculous amounts of deficit spending he signed the cheques on, Free Trade and NAFTA (and their current bastard spawn the Softwood Lumber and Mad Cow crises), and the biggie. You know what I’m talking about – it plagues us to this day in spite of Liberal promises to get rid of, or at least reduce, it. This is the man who gave us the GST, a seven percent tax on damned near everything.

I will admit that it doesn’t apply to quite everything, but the few things it misses (mainly groceries) are more than made up for by being applied to things that are already taxed. Yes, you take my meaning: in some cases, the GST is a tax on a tax (so are most provincial sales taxes, but those have a longer standing history and weren’t as sneaky). This occurs most notably on the “sin” items of booze and tobacco. But it also applies to gasoline, that collection polluting of hydrocarbons that just about
everyone who has one uses to make their vehicles move.

It was meant to replace other, hidden taxes. Really? I didn’t see the underlying prices on anything go down, did you? Of course, that would assume that it actually did replace those hidden taxes and that the big corporations would choose not to line their pockets with that extra seven percent. We all know how caring of their customers they are. Ultimately, the GST was (and is) a transfer of taxload from manufacturer to consumer. Hmm... how Tory.

What really got me was the first budget speech after they started collecting. Something to the effect of "We underestimated how much revenue it would bring in." Underestimated how much money it would make. Well, it doesn't seem to me that it would take too much computer power to figure out what seven percent of everything is, so I'm left to draw one of two conclusions. Or maybe both, considering it's the Mulroney-era Tories we're talking about.

1. Lies, lies, lies.

2. Dangerous incompetence.

I'm going to go with both and suggest that you need to look to the pinnacle to find direction.

Perhaps he might be a solid candidate for Tool of the Century for the 20th, and always worth a nomination for Tool of the Year, he's the Tool of the Day for 16 Dec 2004.

All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.

Or, in plain old Klein-speak, I don’t want them homos to be able to get married. It ain’t right ’cause it says so in the Bible.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you today’s Tool, the Premier of Alberta, Ralph Klein.

In fairness, here's the relevant, and actual, quote: "I have friends who are gays and friends who are lesbians, and they are wonderful people. I do feel that gays and lesbians ought not to be discriminated against in any other form other than marriage because I think that marriage is a sacred thing that exists between a man and a woman." Among probably many other places, you can find this quote embedded in an article here.

Let's take this thing a piece at a time, starting at the bottom.

"I think that marriage is a sacred thing that exists between a man and a woman." Translation: homos gittin' married just ain't right and it says so in the Bible.

"I do feel that gays and lesbians ought not to be discriminated against in any other form other than marriage." Subtext: But this one little type of discrimination is okay - after all, it's marriage we're talking about and it just ain't right for homos to git married. It says so in the Bible.

"They are wonderful people." That's entirely possible, but if they were friends of Ralpho I'd have to give that some real thought.

"I have friends who are gays and friends who are lesbians." Newsflash: not after this statement, you don't.

We all know that Ralpho’s a redneck, and a drunken redneck at times, but sheesh! Does he have to keep reminding us?

I wish I had some kind of mental crowbar to pry open the ridiculously closed minds of Ralpho and the rest of the rabid anti-same sex marriage flock. Maybe a really simple analogy, such as you often find on the poorly written American television we're often forced to watch might work. Probably not, but hey, anything's worth a try.

This is really delicious ice cream. Boy, I love my ice cream. I could eat this ice cream forever and ever and... hey! You've got ice cream! You can't have ice cream. Only I can have ice cream. That's not fair! Waaaaaahhhhhh!

Simple message: it doesn't affect you. Get over it!

And that includes you, Ralph. The guy’s like the Mel Lastman of the West - talks with his foot in his mouth up past the knee and won't shut up. How does he keep getting elected?

What a Tool.

See. I am doing my job. Really.

The winning Tool for the 13^th of December 2004 is Immigration Minister Judy Sgro. Let me count the ways…

1. The oh so creatively named “Strippergate.”

2. The related scandal of a senior staff member hanging out in strip clubs for official business.

3. The apparent improper yet indirect campaign donation scandal.

4. Denying appeals to people under threat of torture or death in their countries of origin and deporting them anyway.

5. The obnoxious line she’s taken with supporters of the Sanctuary concept. (Don’t take this as agreement with them – I have problems with the arguments used on the other side, too.)

I could go on, I suppose, but most of her other Toolish transgressions have been relatively minor by comparison. Besides, she’s today’s Tool for a reason related to number 5.

She wants to continue to do her job “to the best of my ability” until the ethics commissioner reports in. Whenever that happens to be. Maybe before Christmas. Maybe after. Fine. The ethics commissioner is slow and will give Parliament what it wants someday. In the meantime...

Amidst the cries of the opposition calling for her dismissal and her accusing the opposition of cheap politics and cheap theatrics, she’s come up with a strategy. In desperate need of some good press to counter her obvious Toolishness, she’s reversed the decision of her immigration board and allowed two, count ’em, two, Sanctuary cases to stay in Canada pending a formal review.

What?

Sgro is smiling and saying, “Look, the system works.” Sanctuary advocates are smiling and saying, “Look, we’re making progress on changing the broken system.” Reality is likely somewhere in the middle, a little closer to the broken end, but the point here is that she’s taking a lot of credit and trying to get some good press in the midst of all the bad by making a really loud, really visible flip-flop.

The Honourable Minister is on record as telling the Sanctuary crew that they should piss off and stop interfering in government policy that they couldn’t possibly understand. She used slightly nicer words, of course, but that’s what it comes down to. She’s not really interested in talking to them or taking them, or anyone else, seriously, if it interferes with the little fiefdom she calls a Ministry.

And yet, she’s suddenly granting stays of deportation to gather a little public support. Cheap politics? Cheap theatrics? Certainly doesn’t seem like an honest concern for the lives of the people she’s just given reprieves to.

No one is buying it, you Tool.

Making an ASS out of U and ME

David Soknacki, the City of Toronto Budget Chief.

No, not the Greek cheese soaked in brandy and then set on fire only to be put out with a quick splash of fresh lemon juice – though that's saganaki. Also not the well known environmentalist and host of the CBC television show “The Nature of Things” – that’s David Suzuki.

If you don’t live or work in the Centre of the Universe in the post Mel Lastman era, you can be excused for not having heard of him before now, but let me assure you that he does qualify for Tool of the Day.

As the city Budget Chief, you might expect that it’s his job to make sure that the budget is balanced, to exercise fiscal responsibility, to be responsible fiscally, in short, to ensure that the city isn’t spending more money than it’s taking in. Sounds simple enough, especially with an army of bean counters at your disposal.

There are issues, of course.

At the municpal level, your tax revenues come from property taxes. So while your population may grow, your tax base doesn’t. Ergo you’re going to have to raise taxes on a fairly regular basis.

It doesn’t help that the previous Tory government at Queen’s park forced amalgamation on everyone in sight and downloaded a whole bunch of expenses on the City to boot. But as this was done to most of the rest of the province, too, it’s beginning to sound suspiciously like whining.

Throw in things like the ongoing MFP scandal and inquiry fallout (wherein through the corruption of various persons and officials, the centre of the universe paid something more than $80 million for about $45 million in computer things and services that were probably only worth about $3) and you know that there are financial issues at City Hall.

Balancing a little bit of this, the current Liberal government at Queen’s Park, while having a large number of problems of its own, not least of which is the standard Liberal arrogance we’ve all come to know and hate, has thrown a little money to the City in the form of some transit funding, a little emergency funding, and a share of the gas tax (which, incidentally, everyone received and Toronto got more than a fair share of, but that’s a subject for a different sort of rant).

Knowing all of this and knowing that many people know all of this, Mr. Soknacki has come up with a draft of next year’s budget. Aside from the predicted property tax increase on both residential and commercial properties, and the unsurprising need to find millions of dollars in services cuts to provide some savings, there’s a strange assumption built into the budget.

The province, Davie-boy believes, is going to fork over an extra $90 million or to bail out Toronto once again because he wrote it into the document. He didn’t ask. He didn’t talk to Queen’s Park at all, in fact. He just wrote in the line item and said something like, "There, that will balance things out."

This defies logic. Maybe it makes sense on some political level that I just don't understand. Dad, I blew my entire paycheck on wine, women, and song so I sent you my bills this month. Thanks!

David, David, David. Haven’t you ever heard the old saying about the word “assume?” See today’s category, you Tool.

Security breaches? What security breaches? Oh, those security breaches.

The Tool of the Day, you may have guessed, is Federal Transport Minister, Jean Lapierre.

Something around a thousand pieces of airport security guard uniform are missing, including badges. (Various media sources are quoting 1,127 pieces of uniform, including 91 badges and 639 name tags.) Yes, I agree, it is shocking. But Minister Lapierre will have us believe that it’s all innocent with simple explanations and, after all, there’s no danger that any of the missing paraphernalia will be used by those with evil intentions.

Things get lost on the subway, the bus, in the dryer, in the bottom of your locker. People transfer, quit, are fired and don’t bother to turn in anything when they go. Occasionally, things get stolen. Some items wind up on E-bay for sale to the highest bidder. The rest? Who knows?

Things do get lost or thrown away by mistake. It happens. A certain amount of property damage, destruction, or depreciation is accounted for in just about every budget or planning process. These are innocent, if still a bit worrying in the back of the collective consciousness.

I don’t blame any former employees for not returning their extra bits. After all, they aren’t paid that much more than the working poor holding down frontline retail jobs. Returning their crummy, uncomfortable uniforms is an added expense that most of them probably just can’t afford, so they get kept, thrown out, or auctioned off on E-bay.

And should we talk about how it doesn’t make sense for these security personnel to be Federal employees, so that there’s a single set of standards across the country? Somehow, and this is something that I’m not at all clear on, it’s far more efficient and cost effective, not to mention safer, to contract out these positions to the lowest bidder at the individual airport level. Could you explain this one again, Jean?

Oh, and most screeners only get random checks when they enter restricted areas, but now they’re getting random checks during their shifts, too. This is security?

But after all of his reassuring comments and promises to focus more on airport security, I feel so much safer. I think I'll fly somewhere this weekend. Wait... no, it's too late, I’d have to get to the airport right about now so I can stand in line to pick up my ticket, to clear customs, to be quizzed by immigration, and to have my luggage irradiated by an underpaid wage slave who just may not be what they seem to be...

But hey, it’s okay. A uniform, even one with a badge, doesn’t give you access to places you’re not supposed to go – it’s this easily-forged photo-ID that opens doors. (Oooooh. Aaaaah.) And I’m certain that all of those former employees who aren’t returning their assorted uniform bits are remembering to hand in their passes…

Jean, mon ami, just because you share the same first name as a former PM doesn’t mean that people are going to swallow anything you care to stick in their mouths.

You Tool.

Da. This country isn’t big enough for the two of you, tovarisch.

Of course, this makes our Tool none other than former KGB bigwig turned empire-building democracy-oriented politician, Leader of the semi-Free World, the President of the USSR… sorry, I mean Russia, Vladimir Poutin.

He’s not content with being the leader of the largest and most powerful of the former Soviet nations and all of the trappings of power that come with the position. He’s not content with his pet war in Chechnya and the related crusade against terrorism. He’s not content with the pleasure derived from imprisoning his only real rival and confiscating the man’s company (don’t hear much about what’s going on there these days, do we?). Well, I guess he’s just not content. He seems to be on a quest for more. Not necessarily for more power, influence, or money, although those are all good, just More.

It’s time, he believes, for there to be a large eastern free market, somewhat modelled economically after the European Union. The Ukraine is big, it has a lot of people, and it’s got the biggest economy in the area next to his. Get the Ukraine on board and everyone else will probably follow. But how to do it when so many of its people are looking toward the west and closer ties with Europe. Hmm. I know, he could support a candidate that can be manipulated into supporting his views, funnel him some money, give him a little advice here and there on how to manipulate the campaign and its results, then sit back and watch the votes roll in.

This might even have worked if the voting irregularities hadn’t been so glaringly obvious and stupid. Not to mention the attempted poisoning. Ukranians weren’t impressed. Twelve days later, they still aren’t and there are still thousands of people demonstrating in the streets of Kiev and elsewhere.

It’s bad enough that Poutin interfered with an election in another country in the first place – what would he have said during his last campaign if some other foreign leader had endorsed one of his opponents? – but today he issued a statement to the effect that he doesn’t think another vote is necessary. The same thing will happen again, he says, with both sides complaining until they get the results they want.

Of course another election isn’t necessary, not after all of the trouble he went to in fixing the first one to get the result he wanted. If I were the Ukranian people, I’d be flipping old Vlad a pretty serious Middle Finger right now, and I imagine a lot of them are. Well, I’m not Ukranian nor am I of Ukranian descent, but I’ll add my middle finger to theirs.

Mind your own damned business, you Tool.